What else can I say?
You see me. I stand out. I'm already labeled as soon as I walk onto the playground with my extra bottles of water, hats and holding my 6 year old's hand tightly. I shy away from the mommy crowd and consistently crow "Walk, don't run." and "Be careful". I'm a broken record.
Yes, I feel your eyes. They are like a laser into the back of my head as you watch me hoover around my child. I will circle. I will follow. I will "play" with them. I will watch and talk to them and....just make sure.
There's a difference, though. I couldn't care less about your child. Not for one minute. I'm in my own bubble.
Unless he/she is harming mine. Do I think that you're slacking off? Do I think you should be paying more attention? Especially when they are throwing rocks? Do I think you should be more wary? Especially when they are putting said rocks up their nose. Sure. And my eyes will be like a laser into the back of your head.
I know there are many different reasons why you are on your phone, why you are reading your book and why you're chatting with your friends. In the back of mind, I get it. I won't vocalize my questions/concerns. I try not to judge. I'm actually jealous. I wish I could be at ease;free of mind to be able to relax. And not turn into a hawk, circling it's brood.
I can't help it. Call it human nature. Call it my nature.
I see a jungle gym ladder, I see a fall. I see a slide, I see a crash. I see boo boos and tears and broken bones. I can't help but feel that my paranoia is what works for me. It may not be the best thing. But it's what I do.
Yes, they will fall. They will scrap knees, bruise elbows and need band-aids. They need to discover, play and learn on their own. I need to let them be and explore. So they can build confidence and practice using their common sense. They need to get dirt underneath their nails.
I need to swallow my anxieties like a bad medicine. My patience will grow as I age. My insecurities as a parent will disappear as I conquer each milestone.
I'm just not ready yet.
Baby steps.